I've never been good with expressing emotions. I always felt that emotions were a sign of weakness - part of being raised as my father's "son", I suppose. Lately I'm having a hard time bottling up those things that bubble up when people start flinging arrows and stones. Some I deserve. Others, less so. Innocent comments get taken out of context and used to further some cause. I make a genuine post about an overwhelming feeling I have, and someone turns it into an accusation, based on some sort of internet statistic that proves I've posted in response to something else. Frankly, I don't see the connection.

I get angry more often than I used to, but I often feel like I've been kicked in the gut too. I'm not accustomed to that one. It usually brings tears. Intended kindnesses are perceived as attempts to control. And this post will be labeled as an attempt to send someone on a guilt trip - but hey - if the shoe fits, baby, wear it out.

Comments

Anonymous said…
Sorry, someone who's incapable of recognizing their wrongdoing aloud and apologizing - genuinely apologizing, not this half-assed, vague, manipulative wailing that points the blame at anyone else for getting in your way - is not equipped to send me on a guilt trip. Because, for me to go packing, I have to be under the impression that what I have dished out has dwarfed what you have AND that you can see the steaming pile you threw this direction. Thus far, you're proving too myopic for that.

I think Stephen may have felt kicked in the gut last night when you brought up his grandfather for no reason other than you are incapable of holding a differing opinion without attacking and belittling. But oh, poor you, called out for three and a half years of shitty passive-aggressive comments and dragged kicking and screaming out of denial that everything is fine and your son has not all but given up on you.

I'll fetch the world's tiniest violin and you can crack open that bottle of Polar Ice.
9:29 PM
Janna said…
Thank you for your comment - again, it further explains your overwhelming hatred for me, even though I still have no idea what you base your opinion on. As I told Stephen, what I did was in his best interests. I recognize that I treated him as if he were still a child. But if he, or you, would care to come over and discuss this in an adult manner, as opposed to all this written bullshit and rhetoric, maybe we could figure out exactly what the problem is and correct it. I have stayed out of your lives, other than my reading what's publicly published for ANYONE to see - I'm not sure what your beef with me is. Therefore I'm unable to correct the problem you seem to have with me. And as for that bottle of Polar Ice... I rarely drink, despite what you may think or may have heard. It's been over a month since I've had so much as a beer.
8:41 AM
Anonymous said…
Oh, the Polar Ice was in reference to a classy remark you made in October. You seem to be full of them whenever your son and I have something to celebrate, so perhaps I should be the one asking about hatred.

However, my "beef" with you has to do with the way you talk to and treat your son (and how, by example, you taught your other children to do the same). On some level, you do infantilize him nearly every time you interact with him, but that can be normal and annoying part of being his age and redefining the parent/child relationship. What isn't normal is the invalidation, the minimizing, the belittling. The refusal or inability to say "I'm sorry" without adding, "that you feel that way."

Maybe you saw what happened this week as an isolated incident; I saw it as the same shit on a different day. I spent a long time urging Stephen to have an earnest discussion with you – he's of the opinion that it would be worthless, that it would be a session of passing the buck and minimizing, and that any improvements would be only temporary. Or, as he put it last night, "It's a circus world they live in. Perhaps our only mis-step is to ever believe that they'll ever take down the Big Top."

Feel free to prove us wrong. You have his cell number. His phone will work after 2 p.m. and I can make myself scarce.
10:56 AM
Janna said…
I never claimed to be classy. I am, not unlike yourself, a product of a solid middle class marriage where one or both parents worked in a factory with their hands. I admit to having a warped sense of humor. I admit freely to not knowing how you expect me to behave. But as I cannot change your feelings, all I can do is be sorry that you feel the way you do.

I will take to heart your concerns that I belittle, minimize or otherwise make my son feel bad. I'll spend the rest of the day trying to figure out where all that came from, as I am not at all aware that I do it. In any conversation we've ever had, I've never thought I was anything other than supportive (with the exception of the incident in the back yard over the Jeep - that one I claim fully) - but obviously I was mistaken. What I see as friendly familial banter is offensive to you, and apparently to him.

I won't call him. No sense in making this any worse than I already have. But thanks again for giving me a clue.
1:11 PM
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