I am half sick of shadows... Another day, another week, another month, another year. I'm having trouble focusing. I need to learn to let go of the pressures of work, of life, of family. I need to quit fearing the next phone call, the next doctor's visit, the next buzzing of the alarm clock. I am here in this moment, I'm alive and doing fairly well, and I need to celebrate that instead of listening to the ticking of the clock, anticipating the next moment. It's a character flaw I need to work on, and I guess today's as good as any to start.
I've never been good with expressing emotions. I always felt that emotions were a sign of weakness - part of being raised as my father's "son", I suppose. Lately I'm having a hard time bottling up those things that bubble up when people start flinging arrows and stones. Some I deserve. Others, less so. Innocent comments get taken out of context and used to further some cause. I make a genuine post about an overwhelming feeling I have, and someone turns it into an accusation, based on some sort of internet statistic that proves I've posted in response to something else. Frankly, I don't see the connection. I get angry more often than I used to, but I often feel like I've been kicked in the gut too. I'm not accustomed to that one. It usually brings tears. Intended kindnesses are perceived as attempts to control. And this post will be labeled as an attempt to send someone on a guilt trip - but hey - if the shoe fits, baby, wear it out.
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